Welcome to Teddy Pickle - the blog that, above all, strives to be both relevant and irrelevant at the same time.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

fame-hungry: child-stars and the curse of the famous parents

I'm sorry, but this kids shits me to no end. It's Will Smith's tween son Jaden -  a "triple-threat" little turd (he sings, he dances and he acts - wonder where he got that idea from?) who thinks he's God's gift to the world.

 I saw an interview with him on the US chick chat-show The View the other day. I could smell his nauseating levels of smugness through the very barriers of time and space. I realise that i'm probably coming across as bitter and jealous (yes, i'm a frustrated child-star), but I think that these fame-hungry little monsters need to be put into line at some point.

Macaulay Culkin, Britney Spears... and, God help us, Miley Cyrus. Need I say more?

In a small way, though, I do feel for the little brat. Does he even really have a choice but to be famous, with both his parents being celebrities. I know personally, that if both my parents were superstars i'd either want to match their A-list status... or rebel and become an absolute gyspy recluse.

And here he is with Justin Bieber. I'm not forcing you to subject yourself to it...




There is no God.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

abbott burns his budgie smugglers

VIDEO: Burn the budgies!

Opposition Leader Tony Abbott must've read my post earlier this year ("Our no-pants politician" http://teddypickle.blogspot.com/2010_03_01_archive.html)... either that, or he's simply keeping up with the P.R race that is this year's election. Out with the old, in with the new. Rudd went stale, we tossed him out. And now Abbott, that shrivelled-up babbling monkey-man, is tossing out his signature budgie-smugglers.

What a great moral: if people don't like something about you, change it.

Or maybe we can look at this from a "masculinism" perspective. Just as women burnt the bra, perhaps Abbott is lifting off the shackles of the stereotypical male ideal.

Hmm... no, I don't think so.


Sunday, June 27, 2010

the russell "brand"

I disliked Russell Brand somewhat... right up until I saw this genius interview.



I just hope he doesn't continue to play himself in too many more movies (Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Get Him to The Greek). There's no doubt, he's funny. But if he keeps these roles up he'll quickly become a Russell "brand".

designated driving...

... getting a DUI or burning up in a flaming drunken wreckage would almost be preferable.
 (This was me last night - btw like my blue dress?)

 I had my first taste of being the resident designated driver last night. I learnt three things:

1. Drunken people are grotesque
2. Drunken people DO  NOT give good directions
and 
3. There is nothing more tempting than a bottle of Jameson whiskey sitting nonchalantly on the passenger's seat.

Friday, June 25, 2010

the end of an era - toy story 3

 My childhood basically consisted of climbing trees, forcing my little sister to cooperate in my role-playing adventures, waging water-balloon war on the other neighbourhood kids, drawing demented little pictures and watching movies on VHS at our next door neighbour's house (they were, as my naive little self discovered, richer than us and therefore infinitely cooler).
They had at least 50 videos, but the one we'd watch the most often was Toy Story. So naturally, I basically ran to the cinema yesterday to see the final installment, Toy Story 3. 

The original Toy Story came out in 1995, when I was 5 - in the midst of my snotty, bare-bottomed childhood. Then the sequel was released in '99, towards the end of my more innocent days (i'd found a copy of Playboy in my older brother's closet). And now the final chapter has come at the very tail-end of my teen years - a fitting denouement. It was funny, suspenseful and at times gut-wrenchingly emotional - a nice little analogy of my own childhood and adolescence.

It was like I was 8 years old again. How in God's name did Pixar manage to make me so emotionally engaged with a bunch of talking toys? However they did it - they did it bloody well. Unlike other family movie franchises (let's not even get started about the flogged and bloodied cash-cow that is Shrek), Pixar have really dug in their creative heels and stayed true to a really strong vision.

"What's wrong?"
"I... I... just saw Toy Story 3, doctor"

There was one particular scene towards the end, where disaster looks imminent (I don't want to give out any spoilers). I can honestly say that I had tears welling up in my eyes. For a moment I forgot I was watching a film, I was so deeply emotionally involved - something that hasn't happened at the cinema for a long, long time.

Pixar seem to be so adept at doing this - making us laugh, cry and gasp at what are really just fancy cartoons. So please, please, please never stop making films Pixar.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

bye bye ruddy


I'm not usually one for politics. My general opinion is that as long as the Nazi Party or the Reds don't get too frisky, we'll be just fine. Whether it's a squibby middle-aged man or a squibby middle-aged woman, I really don't think a change in Labor Leader is going revolutionise Australia's cultural landscape.


That said, having our first female PM is a historic step. Girl Power! Just another baby step towards the Fall of Man (I can picture a dystopian, post-apocolyptic future where Earth is ruled by an icy Monster-Queen, with men as powerless sperm-producing drones forced to watch the thousands of Sex and the City movie sequels being made until the end of time...)

In closing, I say farewell to you K-Rudd. Your lack of emotion, which you finally showed us in your parting speech today, was your ultimate downfall. If only you'd shed a few more tears during your term as PM. This just re-affirms how fickle politics are.
It's not about policy - we live in a society dominated by people who read TV Week, The Herald Sun  and New Idea.

If only Rudd has adopted an African baby or married a supermodel, then maybe we would've had him round for a bit longer.

Monday, June 21, 2010

when life imitates art... or some shit



 ("Guess who, bitch?)


(The risque move that got her banned from the local department store)

Ex-Transformers fox Megan Fox in her latest shoot for Interview magazine, getting freaky-naughty with her mannequin doppelgänger. Whether it's just a bit of eye-candy or a comment on the objectification of women (yawn..), it's safe to say that this is probably some of the best work Megan Fox has been in.

Fox, in the past year, has become a bit of an enigma - my favourite kind of celebrity. The whole getting dumped from the Transformers franchise (which I think is probably going to be liberating rather than a blow to her career), her tatt-covered bisexual bad-girl image and the fact that she's so God-damn perfect it's scary. She's one of those girls you see in a bar that are so terrifyingly hot that you wee a little.

Maybe that's what this photo-shoot is all about - deconstructing her "perfect", beautiful self. Or maybe this is just Fox acting out her own sexual fantasies. 

I know i've always wanted to make out with myself. Haven't we all? ... No?

Sunday, June 20, 2010

can't be shamed

I never thought i'd ever say this - but i'm officially on Team Perez (Hilton, that is).  I suppose it helps that Miley Cyrus fucking annoys me to no end.

 (Miley Cyrus laboriously ticking the "provocative" and "i'm not a little girl anymore" boxes in her uber-lame "Can't Be Tamed" music video. Looks like a tranny chipmunk in my opinion).

The celebrity blogger has been under fire in the past week over the "up-skirt" he posted (then swiftly un-posted, post-uproar) on his infamous blog, which he proudly calls "Hollywood's Most-Hated Web Site!".
The snap was a shot of 17 year-old pain-in-the-arse Miley Cyrus getting out of a car in an "unlady-like" fashion. It has since been confirmed that she was wearing underwear, but Hilton covered up where her lady-parts would be with a little smiley-face. Hilton claims he posted the shot as a joke, but outrage quickly ensued. Apparently a slutty 17 year-old Britney Spears wannabe isn't fair game.

In classic tabloid style, over-reactions were monumental, with some labelling Perez a child-pornographer. Perez has apologised and taken down the picture, but stands by his decision, which I think was very refreshing. When thrown into controversy, too many social commentators thrust their tails between their legs and back-peddle shamelessly.

Personally, I think that Team Cyrus would be absolutely relishing this publicity. Miley, like so many child stars, is taking the well-trodden path of "girl next door" to "girl turned whore".

Just like Ms. Spears before her, The Fame Monster has come for the beaver-faced Cyrus and she doesn't seem to mind.

Friday, June 18, 2010

ecoutez-bien!

I realise people can see me singing loudly alone in my car as I blaze a trail along the highway, but I wear big fuck-off sunnies like i'm famous so I don't mind.

This is the stuff, which I highly recommend, that's on high-rotation (in my 1-disc CD player, which proves to be a bit of a logistical nightmare as I'm yet to master multi-tasking while driving).

The Horrors - both their Strange House and when i'm feeling a bit more ambient, Primary Colours

A bit of a Bowie mix-tape, while I danerously apply my lightning-bolt makeup in the rear vision mirror
 Slap on my Joy Division best-of when i'm feeling depresso (doesn't usually help the situation..)
Whatever, judge me, but Ready For the Weekend is a good album

Jamie T - both his albums are genius and good for when i'm feeling moody and cockney (which is surprisingly often...)



Or sometimes I just turn off the CD player and address the camera...

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

WARNING: this post is devoid of humour

... and rightly so.


I'm talking about the tragic light plane crash this week in suburban Sydney that killed the pilot and a nurse on board. Depressing enough, but worsened by the fact that they aired the pilot's final radio transmissions on the news. There was this flat, emptiness in his voice - beyond panic. He knew he was about to die and thanks to the media we were able to hear these last words.

But we don't want to hear that! Yes, morbid curiosity keeps the media globe spinning, but moments like this should not be thrust into the news stratosphere. Imagine the pilot's family switching on the TV and hearing their loved one's final, desperate utterance splashed all over the news?
 
 Disturbingly, it all reminded me of the pictures of the Georgian luger (split seconds before his gruesome death) earlier this year during the Vancouver Winter Game. Seriously, how the fuck do the loved ones of these victims deal with these publicized demises?

Monday, June 14, 2010

tim burton's coming to acmi


 I'm a closet goth-child. If you were to open up my chest, you'd see my black, black heart baby. I was always so obsessed with vampires and witches and graveyards and all things gothic when I was a sprout and I watched Tim Burton's masterpiece The Nightmare Before Christmas almost every week for a good few years. His twisted, dark, German-Expressionist world definitely affected me on a very deep level. Also, I could sing a heart-breaking rendition of the entire soundtrack if asked (funnily enough, no one has done so...)

Enough about me. There's a Tim Burton exhibition opening at ACMI in Melbourne from June 24, which i'm very excited about. I wasn't a big fan of his recent Alice in Wonderland, but i'll definitely indulge my childhood obsession and pop in for a looksie.

 

Saturday, June 12, 2010

antichrist

 SPOILER ALERT! (ahhh i've always wanted to say that...)

With my love of all things provocative and disturbing, I decided to watch Lars Von Trier's Antichrist last night. I went into it knowing that there was a very controversial scene involving a pair of scissors and some lady-bits, which both impelled and repelled me. When something does that, pushes you away and pulls you in at the same time, you know you have to watch.

I've been all about religious imagery lately, and Antichrist is dripping with it. I think there's always something fascinating in using the concepts we were taught as kids and turning them on their head to challenge our perceptions of human nature.

 The very confronting opening sequence gives Psycho's famous "shower scene" a run for its money.

If you haven't seen the film - do yourself a favour and grab a copy. You'll never look at a pair of scissors in the same way again and you may be robbed of sleep for a night or two, but it's truly a beautifully-shot film with some really challenging themes.

This infamous scene made me laugh and scared the shit out of me at the same time. Genius.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

take me out to the ball game

So some of you conservative, tight-arsed people didn't approve of "Alejandro"?

Well Gaga doesn't really care. There's no better way to deal with criticism than going out to the baseball to drink beer and flip the paparazzi off.


           Gaga for president? Well, she might as well be. She's already Queen of the Underworld


Tuesday, June 8, 2010

gaga's "alejandro" video - HOLY fuck

Mother Monster's latest egg of pop-cultural greatness has just been hatched, the Steven Klein-directed music video for her single "Alejandro". Twitter crashed, Gaga's website went into near-meltdown and even YouTube almost imploded.



Firstly, my predictions: that it would be controversial, check. Provocative, double check. Some kind of homoerotic and religious theme, checkity-check. Gaga should be very proud, she's sure to get the church hot under the collar and TV stations like MTV squeamish to air her latest video. One thing's for sure: this may get banned from TV, but it will get a fuckload of views online.

This is a truly dark direction "Gagaklein" has taken. Long gone are the days of the hairbow-wearing, disco-stick-touting Gaga. This is Mother Monster, and she's bloody frightening.

The dystopian landscape, Nazi-esque soldiers with killer bowl-cuts (sure to be very in this season), a very androgynous Gaga, the bed-bondage sequence, Gaga's machine gun bra... I can already hear it all being etched into pop culture history.

And deliberately pissing off those that call her a Madge-wannabe with her obvious"Vogue" sequence, genius

I'm still struggling to decipher the meaning behind this visual mind-fuck, but I sure as Hell know this is going to piss off a LOT of people. But that's what our society needs, in the humble opinion of this pop-fan.

Monday, June 7, 2010

deathly hallows trailer

Yeah, I'm one of those H.P nerds that goes to the movies and screams at the screen, bits of popcorn flying out, furious at the way they rape the books. But shit like this never fails to get my Hazza-P nerd-juices a-flowing:

Sunday, June 6, 2010

"the crystal axis" review


 The Midnight Juggernauts' 2nd album "The Crystal Axis" has been my soundtrack for the past week, spinning on repeat in my Pussy Wagon's CD player. With the boys from the Juggernauts sounding like they've been to outer space and back since their first album "Dystopia".


What I love about "The Crystal Axis" is how very Juggernauts it sounds. They've really stayed true to their distinctive sound, but have really progressed too. It's more chilled-out, but very epic-sounding at the same time. It's not as dance-floor friendly as their last album, but it's a real cohesive-sounding record, with each track blending into each other and complimenting each other. "Dynasty", "This New Technology", "Fade to Red" and of course the awesome first single off the album "Vital Signs" being my favourites at the moment.

But it's really the album as a whole that impressed me. Go out and grab a copy and listen to it in full, preferably whilst driving your hover-car through a rainbow-coloured night-time Tokyo.
If their first album was a dark, dystopian Apocolypse, then "The Crystal Axis" is a much more sunny, shiny glimpse of the future - and it sounds good.

Also, take a look at the music video for "Vital Signs", their first single off the record. Amazing

it's official - my brain is mocking me

My complete lack of creativity in my waking hours has seemingly shoved all my artistic talents into the twilight zone of my erratic sleeping hours. Although, these dreams are that entertaining that i'm doubting it's even me dreaming them.

My dreams have turned into absolute masterpieces! And no, i'm not bragging at all - I don't have the right. I'm fully convinced that it's someone else crafting them and faxing into my head while I snooze, that's how genius these dreams are.

So, don't tell anyone! I'm plagiarising these night-time gems and using them for my own material as of now. Coz this noodle is coming up with squat while it's conscious.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

ally-ally-handrrrro

Five days and counting until Gaga's "Alejandro" film clip enters the pop culture universe.
By the look of the sneaky preview the Haus of Gaga has given us, it's going to be delightfully provocative and a little bit creepy. Just how I like it.



 There's been rumours that the video is going to feature a burial scene - my theory is that Gaga will be ravaged and killed by the dude dancers from the preview in some kind of sexy, ritualistic sacrific. Also, I can feel some sort of controversial homosexual and religious theme somewhere in there. And if her live performance of "Alejandro" is anything to go by, there'll be a nice shot of her cleavage smothered in her own blood. Nice.

Expect a little bloggery after the video premieres. I'm sure i'll have a lot to say.

creative blue-balls

 My toes are twitching, my chest feels tight, my sporadic insomnia is flaring up and the little sleep I manage to get is bursting with weird, disturbing, disgustingly Freudian dreams (I had a particularly twisted one last night. I can't really going into much detail without sounding like the lady off "Medium" meets Hannibal Lector on mushies, but I'll just say that "rape" was the least disturbing element).

I need some creative release, but my problem is that I don't have a definite mode of funnelling my creative impulses. I'm plump with artistic milk, but I ain't got no teat. I'm not a painter, i'm not a musician, i'm not a writer or a poet - i'm just a bit of everything and a lot of nothing.

So i'm going to make a film. There, I said it. It's out there. I've never really made a film, but i'm going to make one. I'm yet to write the script - Hell, I don't even own a camera. But it's going to happen.
Watch this space.

Or don't.

Godard's ghost, wish me luck.