where's my invisible jet?

If the rumours are true and Beyonce lands the role as the new Wonder Woman, I will die a happy man.
Don't you just love this shamelessly terrible photo-shopped "what-if"?

The President of the US is black, arguably the most powerful woman in the world is black (Oprah), dark chocolate shits all over white chocolate... so why can't Beyonce be the next woman to swing the Lasso of Truth?

true cause of the melbourne metro eff-ups revealed

Anger over stranded Metro train

"Metro Trains failed to keep commuters informed about a fault that left 200 commuters trapped on board a Frankston-bound service last night, a passenger says.

Peter Camilleri said the train, which departed Flinders Street station at 6.26pm, sat between Malvern and Caulfield stations for 90 minutes with little communication from the driver about the repairs."

(Thomas Hunter, The Age, 25/5/10)
http://www.theage.com.au/victoria/anger-over-stranded-metro-train-20100525-w8z8.html

This banal example of yet another Metro stuff-up (although, we all know it's crappy Melbourne infastructure to blame, not the people running the train services) may not be as boring as it first seems...
Yes, you heard it first here, the TRUE cause of the stranded train last night:
 
Dementors.
 

 
Ah, I just love Winter on the Frankston Line. The ticket inspectors go from their usual blue-collar garb to full-length black trenchies.
I'm no fashion-blogger (look to my pal Jamie at ohjamie.com, he's incredible), but those Winter ticket inspectors really know how to pull off the Dementor look, prowling the carriages for souls to consume (hey, your average fine is well over $100, it might as well be your soul).
 
Until next time, Expecto Patronum.

plugged-in and plugged-up: technological constipation

Kid's these days! Ok, ok - stick with me here.

I've been babysitting a bit for my uncle and aunty, which means i've had a lot of contact with Gen Z lately (or whatever the hell we're calling the demon horde that were born post-2000).

Don't get me wrong, I love my little cousins. Seven year-old Ben is a thoughtful, well-spoken kid who reminds me a lot of myself (he's a massive bookworm) and Charlie is an energetic little cherub of four years-old. They're adorable. But there's an evil force corrupting their innocent minds. No, they haven't joined Hitler's Youth or been recruited as child prostitutes.

It's a nameless and faceless evil, made up of a number of things: TV, online games, Ninetendo DS... anything with a flashing screen and and irritating beeping sounds. They're obsessed. And it's not just my little cousins. Need I mention this kid...



Just the other day little Ben was complaining to me how some brat in his class has the new black Wii console. The look of anguish in my cousin's eyes unparalelled. Charlie decided to start playing his brother's Nintendo DS without asking him. Ben's fury at this was positively Exorcist-worthy. I reached into my pocket the other day, looking for my phone, to find that Charlie had commandeered it. He was hammering away at some mobile game that I didn't even realise my phone had.

My daily commute into and out of the city is a depressing affair. Everyone's plugged-in and plugged-up, iPods stuffed into their ears, iPhoned and Blackberried, Macbooks microwaving their gonads. Blocking out the world. I'm guilty of this too, of course. I'm a total train snob. But why the hell can't anyone spend a second of their lives outside this electronic bubble?

All this technology is supposed to be making us smarter, more advanced. But it's doing the opposite. We're becoming cavemen all over again, but instead of staring at fire, we're staring at glowing flickering screens.

Now get off my blog and open a book or something...

granny gaga

Here's a shot of the Lady leaving the Park Hyatt in Paris this week.

Isn't she cute? I'd let her knit me a scarf any day.

an attempt at political discussion

Tony, Tony, Tony... Who taught you how to be a politician? You may be able to run a triathalon, but you're failing to tick some boxes when it comes to very basic Aussie politician rules.

1.) You're supposed to be horribly unfit and squibbish. Think four-eyes Kruddy or human blimp Joe Hockey, not this (incredibly disturbing) vision in lyrca.

2) Yes, politicians lie. It's part of the job description - just like checkout-chick and chewing gum, Maccas kid and acne, Starbucks barista and complete lack of coffee-making skills. Yes, we accept you're going to lie - but for God's sake DON'T TELL US that you're going to!

and 3). Don't flirt with the enemy! (However, with that ruby-haired minx Julia Gillard, I don't blame you...)

Like any Australian politician i've come across (and yes, i'm quite the authority when it comes to political criticism, clearly), Tony Abbott is somewhat of a repulsive, highly-uncool figure (why can't we have a Sarkozy, an Obama?!). But in his defense, there's something immensely likable about him when placed in comparison with Krudd. I'm sorry, but there's something about our current PM that makes me want to club a baby seal, torpedo Jessica Watson's boat or fulfill Catherine Deveny's Bindi-tweet.

At least Abbott is bumbling, rather than conniving and slimy like Rudd.

In conclusion, I leave you with this:

and now for a bit of pointless pop-talk...

I can't figure out whether Christina Aguilera is guilty of faux-Gaga crimes or not. People in both the Aguilera and Gaga camps are being very vocal about accusations that Christina is ripping off the Lady and vice-versa.
(Geez Gaga's "little monsters" know how to twitter-bash! Christina's fans on the other hand, not so protective).

Obviously, there are some blinding similarities between her new "Not Myself" video (a pretty pathetic mish-mash of latex, S&M and suggestive dance-moves) and Gaga's "Bad Romance".

But, really, who cares.

Pop has and always will be about "borrowing". Gaga herself is a collage of pop culture and unashamedly so. However, the fact that Christina (who's been under a rock for a good while, career-wise) has come out with such a Gaga new video right now suggests a bit of bandwagon-jumping.

Plus - I'm pretty sure the woman with the lobster-hat wins, any day.

oh cathy!

I have to admit, I've been following Catherine Deveny's tweets since the whole Logies lurgy. What did I say would happen? Cathzilla is alive and well, and as topical as ever!

Hear her roar!

mia freedman: a kindred spirit?

What a coincidence! Guess what featured on trail-blazing current affairs program Today Tonight last night... (yes, I'm not ashamed - I tuned in)


"A BIG fat fight has erupted, with body image advocate Mia Freedman coming under fire for ridiculing fat people in her blog".
(Herald Sun, May 13)

I hear you Mia. Your so-called "fat-bashing" is either just an expression of insecure fat-phobia (see my last post) or a concern for the future of obesity in our society, both sentiments I fully understand.

Take a look at her blog here, including her apt rebuttal: http://www.mamamia.com.au/

"Fat-bashers" unite, for the greater good.

phobia

It happens when you least expect it. Any time, any day - it pounces (somewhat lethargically) from the shadows. You look to your left, look to your right and there they are - the faceless horde. With a hunger more ravenous than the Undead and with multiplying powers to rival the horniest of rodents. Clutching at Coke cans, muffin-tops quivering - the unstoppable fatty force descends.


It's not pride or disdain that I feel when I see one of them - it's deep, dark, cold fear. Fear that one day, not unlike the inevitability of zombie invasion, i'll become the very thing I fear. Fat.

Let's not kid ourselves. It's not an aspiration to live healthy, wholesome lives that drive us to shun the doughnuts and punish ourselves with exercise - it's fear that drives us.

Or perhaps i'm just speaking for myself. It's somewhat motivating when you used to look like Pugsley from the Addams Family. We all need a bit of healthy fear to keep us looking beautiful.

But there's another fear that worries me much more than my own trivial insecurities. Fat people seem to be outnumbering non-fatties at an alarming rate. Where will we be as a society in the next few decades?

I know where i'll be - hiding out in a boarded-up shopping centre armed with a shotgun, waiting out the zombie invasion. Oh, it's coming.

blonde

I've plumbed new depths in my quest to get attention. I've dyed my hair. I've gone from dark brown to quite ridiculously blonde. All for social research, of course...

Here's my tribute to the legion of bottle-blondes, those pioneers who have danced with peroxide in the name of fame. I can only dream of one day being placed amongst them...

Father of pop-art and platinum blonde, Andy Warhol

Remember this lovable douche? Corey Worthington, party-boy esq.

Billy Idol. Glam rock personified.

Gaga. Her explosion into pop culture perfectly coinciding with her metamorphosis from brunettedom to blondification.

Draco Malfoy. Those Malfoys, the paralells between them and Hitler's idyllic Aryan race, slightly frightening.

Oh and this one... not sure if you would've heard of her...

"It's all make-believe, isn't it?"
-Marilyn Monroe

suck my tweet

Honestly, I think that that's just how journalist/stand-up comedian/controverisal-twittering twat Catherine Deveny is feeling right now (see above triumphant photo of said social-media-abuser).

Yes, she's been ravaged by the public for her infamous Logie-night tweets ("I do so hope Bindi Irwin gets laid"). But at the same time, like some gigantic skyscraper-toppling monster from a Japanese horror film, our outrage will only feed her loudmouth left-wing mutant powers. The more toxic sludge we fire at her, the bigger Cathzilla will grow.

Just look at Derryn Hinch, Kyle Sandilands and Sam Newman (just listing them makes me want to stab something).

However, Deveny's now been dropped from The Age, which must be quite the bummer. Being unemployed is no curried-egg sandwich (my nanna makes THE BEST). Not that I feel sorry for her or anything... Big papa Age was fair in his dumping of Deveny.

That said, Deveny was getting at something - Bindi Irwin probably does get more action than me at the moment. Why couldn't she have tweeted "I do so hope #TeddyPickle gets laid"?

(Interested? Just "sext" me on 0400993060)