phobia

It happens when you least expect it. Any time, any day - it pounces (somewhat lethargically) from the shadows. You look to your left, look to your right and there they are - the faceless horde. With a hunger more ravenous than the Undead and with multiplying powers to rival the horniest of rodents. Clutching at Coke cans, muffin-tops quivering - the unstoppable fatty force descends.


It's not pride or disdain that I feel when I see one of them - it's deep, dark, cold fear. Fear that one day, not unlike the inevitability of zombie invasion, i'll become the very thing I fear. Fat.

Let's not kid ourselves. It's not an aspiration to live healthy, wholesome lives that drive us to shun the doughnuts and punish ourselves with exercise - it's fear that drives us.

Or perhaps i'm just speaking for myself. It's somewhat motivating when you used to look like Pugsley from the Addams Family. We all need a bit of healthy fear to keep us looking beautiful.

But there's another fear that worries me much more than my own trivial insecurities. Fat people seem to be outnumbering non-fatties at an alarming rate. Where will we be as a society in the next few decades?

I know where i'll be - hiding out in a boarded-up shopping centre armed with a shotgun, waiting out the zombie invasion. Oh, it's coming.